Holiday Disappointment

The prevailing sentiment from my clients after Thanksgiving was a hearty “meh.” The holiday was fine, but not great. It was something to get through, not necessarily something enjoyable or special. It was, all in all, disappointing.

It’s hard to admit that The Holidays can be a disappointing time. After all, we’re told over and over that this is a season of GRATITUDE and JOY and DELIGHT and if you aren’t feeling those things, the problem must be you because it’s THE HOLIDAYS and you have to be HAPPY and ENJOY them. In short, The Holidays are a time of pressure.

Which is not to say you can’t have a lovely holiday season in spite of that. In fact, I hope you do! But I also want to encourage you that in the midst of the sparkle and tinsel and treats, you are allowed to feel lonely, disappointed, angry, etc. In short, you are allowed to have all the feelings, not just the happy ones.

It’s not easy to manage the disappointment or sadness or loneliness that is plaguing you as the radio shouts Christmas carols at you and stores demand you spend all the money you have in the name of MaGiC. But it is doable. As The Holidays march towards us like a smiling but threatening wave, try to focus on what actually brings you peace and joy. Reach out to friends and family while also avoiding people who cause you distress or unease. Indulge in treats without self-recrimination and guilt. Do what you’re capable of doing, whether that be celebrating or gift-giving or visiting or decorating, without thinking it’s not enough. Whatever you’re doing to get through this season is enough. The Holidays do not have to be perfect; they just are and they too shall pass. Hang in.

Holiday creep

A colleague of mine recently referred to this time of year as the therapist Olympics. Most of our clients are a little more… unhinged than usual. Rightly so! Days are shorter and colder. Families of origin repeat patterns that range from frustrating to harmful. Sobriety is tested. Finances are tight. Grief is magnified. Caregiving is harder than usual. Basically The Holidays amplifies whatever was already difficult to navigate. While the culture at large insists upon sparkle and glamor and gratitude and consumerism and food and booze in excess, some of us are struggling. 

There are any number of lists out there about how to combat the holiday blues. Of course I agree with most of them: be mindful of how much you're drinking; keep moving your body; make time for yourself, etc. But I also want to add my usual caveat: it's ok to be struggling. In fact, many people are at this time of year. I bet if you admit to someone close to you (or even someone in line at the grocery store honestly) that you aren't filled with joy right now, they would agree. You’re not alone if you’re not feeling sparkly.

If you feel like you are alone in those feelings, it's tempting to self isolate. People are often afraid of spreading their anxiety or sadness to others and instead opt to keep it to themselves. Sometimes time alone does help, and if that helps you, go nuts. But also remember that distress and grief and anxiety are better shared with others. It lightens the load to let someone else know that you aren't filled with the Spirit of the Season. It's ok if holidays are a tough time for you; they’re tough for a lot of us. Take a chance and let someone know you need support. 

(Also make sure you keep your appointment with your therapist).