Holiday Disappointment

The prevailing sentiment from my clients after Thanksgiving was a hearty “meh.” The holiday was fine, but not great. It was something to get through, not necessarily something enjoyable or special. It was, all in all, disappointing.

It’s hard to admit that The Holidays can be a disappointing time. After all, we’re told over and over that this is a season of GRATITUDE and JOY and DELIGHT and if you aren’t feeling those things, the problem must be you because it’s THE HOLIDAYS and you have to be HAPPY and ENJOY them. In short, The Holidays are a time of pressure.

Which is not to say you can’t have a lovely holiday season in spite of that. In fact, I hope you do! But I also want to encourage you that in the midst of the sparkle and tinsel and treats, you are allowed to feel lonely, disappointed, angry, etc. In short, you are allowed to have all the feelings, not just the happy ones.

It’s not easy to manage the disappointment or sadness or loneliness that is plaguing you as the radio shouts Christmas carols at you and stores demand you spend all the money you have in the name of MaGiC. But it is doable. As The Holidays march towards us like a smiling but threatening wave, try to focus on what actually brings you peace and joy. Reach out to friends and family while also avoiding people who cause you distress or unease. Indulge in treats without self-recrimination and guilt. Do what you’re capable of doing, whether that be celebrating or gift-giving or visiting or decorating, without thinking it’s not enough. Whatever you’re doing to get through this season is enough. The Holidays do not have to be perfect; they just are and they too shall pass. Hang in.

Using Emotional Intelligence to Thrive

Earlier this week, I had the pleasure of presenting to a group of professional women about emotional intelligence. They had chosen the topic and while it’s not my typical area of expertise, the idea interests me. At its core, emotional intelligence is about examining how we understand and interpret our feelings, our motivation, our interpersonal interactions. I think this is one of our lifelong jobs as human beings: to grow through self reflection and introspection.

So how does that growth occur? First, we need to have a basic understanding of how much emotional intelligence we already possess. As with all psychological concepts, there’s some debate in the psychological community about how measurable EI is. (There’s debate in the community about literally everything, to be fair). That being said, it’s pretty well accepted that emotional intelligence can be higher or lower depending on a number of factors: empathy, for instance, as well as motivation, social and self awareness, and self regulation. There are tests you can take online to get a feel for where you land in each of those aspects. Or you can take a moment and just consider: how well do you know yourself?

The reality is, honest self assessment can be tough. We all want to believe we’re naturally empathetic and intuitive, etc. But actually looking inward takes a little more work and a lot more humility than a standard, “how nice a person do you think you are?”. It takes effort to honestly face yourself and ask, how empathetic am I? How much do I let my emotions dictate my actions? What would others say about me?

A lot of my work as a therapist is encouraging people not to be so hard on themselves for having difficult feelings. So don’t get me wrong: this shouldn’t be an exercise in self flagellation. Rather, I want to encourage you to consider measuring your EI as one more way to grow. It’s all grist for the mill, as my brilliant clinical supervisor told me recently. How we understand and manage our emotions impacts our lives in numerous ways, big and small.

And if you aren’t ready to look further right this minute, you have permission to leave it alone until you are. Part of being emotionally intelligent is setting limits, even (especially) with yourself. When you are ready, I encourage you to investigate with curiosity and empathy. The path to growth doesn’t need to be all thorns. Celebrate the parts of yourself that bring and spread joy and tend to the parts that want to grow with love and compassion.