The 6 month grief slump

“Shouldn’t I be further along now?”

This is a common question from the bereaved: however much time has passed, they wonder if it’s been long enough. The implied concern is, am I moving in the right direction? Will I get out of this? There is a fear of being forever stuck in the beginning, acute phase of grief. Additionally, there is a general idea that grief is a path you walk from the beginning (your loss) to the end (feeling “better”). But grief isn’t a straight line; it’s ocean waves. It’s peaks and valleys. It’s never gone; it only changes, from sometimes sharp to sometimes dull. And sometimes the wave or the valley or the sharpness can be unpredictable.

For a lot of grievers, the six month slump is one of the unpredictable times. The first round of holidays after a death or the first birthday without someone are expected to be tough. But around 6 months, a lot of people are shocked by a sudden wave of grief. It feels like a setback. For awhile there, they were feeling like things were getting back to normal: the funeral is over, they’re back to a routine, they are beginning to see what their new life is like. When their grief confronts them again, it is destabilizing. They feel they’ve gotten off track somehow.

But grief is not on a track, or a timeline, or a calendar. It is an experience that changes over time. We learn how to grow around and with our grief instead of trying to get away from it. The six month slump isn’t going backwards; it’s part of the process. Remember, you’ve been here before and you know the only way out is through.

Using Emotional Intelligence to Thrive

Earlier this week, I had the pleasure of presenting to a group of professional women about emotional intelligence. They had chosen the topic and while it’s not my typical area of expertise, the idea interests me. At its core, emotional intelligence is about examining how we understand and interpret our feelings, our motivation, our interpersonal interactions. I think this is one of our lifelong jobs as human beings: to grow through self reflection and introspection.

So how does that growth occur? First, we need to have a basic understanding of how much emotional intelligence we already possess. As with all psychological concepts, there’s some debate in the psychological community about how measurable EI is. (There’s debate in the community about literally everything, to be fair). That being said, it’s pretty well accepted that emotional intelligence can be higher or lower depending on a number of factors: empathy, for instance, as well as motivation, social and self awareness, and self regulation. There are tests you can take online to get a feel for where you land in each of those aspects. Or you can take a moment and just consider: how well do you know yourself?

The reality is, honest self assessment can be tough. We all want to believe we’re naturally empathetic and intuitive, etc. But actually looking inward takes a little more work and a lot more humility than a standard, “how nice a person do you think you are?”. It takes effort to honestly face yourself and ask, how empathetic am I? How much do I let my emotions dictate my actions? What would others say about me?

A lot of my work as a therapist is encouraging people not to be so hard on themselves for having difficult feelings. So don’t get me wrong: this shouldn’t be an exercise in self flagellation. Rather, I want to encourage you to consider measuring your EI as one more way to grow. It’s all grist for the mill, as my brilliant clinical supervisor told me recently. How we understand and manage our emotions impacts our lives in numerous ways, big and small.

And if you aren’t ready to look further right this minute, you have permission to leave it alone until you are. Part of being emotionally intelligent is setting limits, even (especially) with yourself. When you are ready, I encourage you to investigate with curiosity and empathy. The path to growth doesn’t need to be all thorns. Celebrate the parts of yourself that bring and spread joy and tend to the parts that want to grow with love and compassion.