Setting up therapy for someone else

One of the worst parts of feeling depressed or anxious or grieving is that it’s really hard to do stuff. When you’re not feeling well or like yourself, everything is a chore. Finding a therapist to help you may feel like the last task you could possibly manage. Sometimes, enlisting the help of a trusted friend or family member to do the leg work is exactly what’s needed to get you connected with someone who can help.

At least a third of my referrals come from the friend/adult child/partner of the potential client. I’m grateful when clients have that kind of support and are open to using it. That being said, would this be a blog post if I didn’t add a huge caveat??

Occasionally—though not always—the friend or family member in question wants the client to have a therapist more than the client does. The client may be willing to call me themselves or even set up an initial visit, but their heart really isn’t in it. Sometimes it’s because they honestly don’t need to talk to a therapist; their loved ones are trying to help (or trying to manage their own anxiety) and they want to check the box of THERAPY. This is most often the case with adult children, who have a totally different experience and understanding of therapy than their parents. There’s much less stigma around mental health support for younger generations, which is wonderful! It also can lead people to think that everyone needs a therapist at some point and that just isn’t always the case.

Another good indication that therapy isn’t going to work out when someone besides the client has suggested or arranged it is because said client simply isn’t ready. As I’ve written before, therapy is work. If you aren’t ready to dive deep into some stuff, or being emotionally vulnerable sounds horrific to you, you probably won’t benefit from therapy at this moment. Which is ok! You wouldn’t take an antibiotic if you weren’t sick; you don’t need to go to therapy if you aren’t ready to explore or make a change.

All of that being said—caveat upon caveat!—if someone you love wants you to see a therapist, they usually have a good reason. You may want to give the therapist a call, just to see what they say. Sometimes we need a little push in the right direction. And if it doesn’t work out or you don’t like the therapist or whatever, you don’t have to go back. It’s your choice, even if someone else is doing the administrative work for you.

When someone we love is suffering

The problem with loving someone—there are many but let’s start with this one—is that sometimes the person you love will suffer. They will have pain or disease or grief or distress and you will not be able to magically take it away from them. Watching someone you love suffer, physically or emotionally, is awful. And yet, it’s part of the whole deal.

Once, after my mom died, I told a colleague, “I just don’t want my brother and my dad to be sad.” I ended up laughing instead of crying because of the way my sweet colleague stared at me and said, “Elizabeth.” It was, in fact, a bonkers thing to say. It was also true. My own grief was hard enough to bear; I couldn’t stand that the people I love were also suffering.

This is a common theme for my clients, whether they are caretakers or bereaved. Their own grief is awful, all-consuming, exhausting; and yet, they cannot bear to think that other people in their life are also having a hard time. Ignoring the grief and pain of others is doable but doesn’t feel great and also can be hurtful to said loved ones. On the other hand, taking on the pain of others also feels awful and doesn’t take anyone’s pain away. So what to do?

The answer, of course, depends: on what kind of day you’re having; on how the relationship usually functions; and on the cues you’re getting from the other person or people. But in general, as I’ve written ad nauseum, our grief is much easier to bear if it’s shared. You are not protecting your loved ones if you deny your grief or theirs. On the contrary, talking about it opens the door gives them permission to grieve with you instead of protecting you.

We don’t want the people we love to suffer but they will; that’s a part of life. And if that’s true, we may as well suffer together.