Swinging back and forth

Well, things have taken quite a turn, haven’t they?

I don’t have any special answers, any more than anyone does. I’m doing what everyone is: trying to balance childcare and work and self-care and watching the news (though I do less of that because self-care). I’m providing supervision and some therapy virtually; I’m seeing hospice patients in their homes, wearing a mask and sitting several feet away. I’m trying to provide some structure for my little girls, who are really too young to have a grasp of what’s happening but who still need reassurance after their lives have been changed significantly. I am video chatting with friends and family and having the occasional crying jag. I’m doing what we’re all doing. And in the midst of it, I am grieving.

I’m sure you’ve seen a lot about grief in the past few weeks. It seems to be the best descriptor a lot of people have about how they’re feeling. In addition to the anxiety and stress and depression many of us are experiencing is a heavy helping of grief: for the normalcy we’ve lost, for the suffering of others, for the waves of deaths around the world. We are all experiencing loss.

I have a favorite theory of grief. (If you’re a social worker reading this, or a hospice worker, I know you just nodded your head in understanding. If you’re not, I’m sure this blog is already a weird read for you so you shouldn’t be too surprised). In the past few weeks, as we’re all trying to come to terms with what’s happening, I’ve found this favorite theory to be a great comfort. It’s called dual process theory and I hope you find it helpful, too.

Imagine a pendulum swinging between two orientations: loss and restoration. When the pendulum swings into loss-oriented thinking, that’s when we’re actively grieving: experiencing our pain, adjusting to the “new normal” (a phrase I have grown to truly despise), and accepting our losses. We can only live in that space for so long though; it’s sad there and our brains can only tolerate so much sadness. So imagine the pendulum swinging again, this time to the restoration orientation. This is a state where we’re becoming comfortable in our new roles, being distracted by other needs, and paying attention to the ways in which our lives have changed rather than just our losses.

It’s not a linear theory; that’s part of its appeal, if you ask me. Instead it imagines the pendulum swinging back and forth over time, as we experience both states of being. There’s no timeline for grief, you see. There’s no normal way to do it. We’re all just swinging back and forth between the mundane tasks of daily living and the profound grief we are experiencing as human beings in the midst of an unprecedented crisis.

I hope you’re caring for yourself, however that looks. I hope this theory or this blog is helpful to you, or to someone you love. I hope that you are able to see the light that shines in darkness and that you can forgive yourself when you’re not able to; it is, after all, an ongoing process. I hope you are safe. I hope this ends soon. I hope you I hope and hope and hope.