Parenting your adult children

My clients sometimes offer me this glimpse of the future: "your kids are little now, just wait." This is true; my children are still little enough that I’m a huge part of their day to day life and decision-making. Read: I have control over much of their lives. My clients’ kids are usually grown-ups. These grown-up children get to make their own decisions (and their own mistakes) without the very hands-on guidance of their parents. 

That’s how it’s supposed to be, right? Those of us who choose to raise children do so with the idea of launching them into the world as independent human beings. Once they’re launched though, they don’t stop being someone’s children. Parents of adult children generally don’t wish their kids good luck and stop being interested in their lives. When interest turns into interference, problems can arise.

Now listen: I’m not suggesting you can never again have an opinion about your adult child. I am, however, suggesting that the relationship between adult children and parents is different than the relationship with young kids or teens. Boundaries shift over time; not allowing those shifts to happen can lead to trouble.

So what is a parent of an adult child to do? Often a parent’s first instinct is to jump in and fix the problem. But if you’ve done your job and launched said kid into the world, you have to trust that they will figure out their own stuff. And if you really cannot stand idly by and not get involved, you can ask your kid what they need. This can look like, “I see you’re struggling; how can I help?” or “I want to help you but I want to make sure you want that from me.” The answer might be no but it might also be yes. We all need our parents sometimes, even when we’re grownups. But we also need to be given the grace and space to ask for help, rather than having it thrust upon us.

And if you really can’t keep your opinion to yourself, that’s what friends and therapists are for: vent away! Then you can maintain the healthy and happy relationship with your kids we all strive to have.