Grieving together as a family — Elizabeth McElroy, LCSW

Grief is easier to navigate when we share it with others.

That’s easy for me to say: I share everything with everyone. I realize not everyone has this particular… gift. For some people, sharing their grief (or any tough emotion) is simply terrifying. It’s not just the vulnerability of talking about their pain with someone; it’s also a fear that the other person won’t be able to handle it. Naturally, we want to protect the people we love from pain, especially if they're also suffering. This is especially true inside families. My clients often tell me that they don’t want to burden others (usually their adult children) with their grief. Their reasoning is, “what if they’re having a good day and I ruin it because I start crying?” To which I respond, yeah, what if they do? What if you both start crying? What if they’ve been waiting for you to bring it up so they don’t have to? What will happen if you share your grief with each other?

For some people, sharing like that is just too big a risk. After all, families are complicated. The dynamics between parents and children and siblings and extended relatives are deeply set over years, sometimes generations. Every milestone, be it a birth, a graduation, a wedding, a divorce, an illness, or (especially) a death impacts each member of the family in a unique way. And because the same loss can be experienced differently by each member of the family, their grief can also be expressed in distinctly different ways.

These different grieving styles can be hard to understand and accept from each other. Some people (myself included) are external processors: we want to talk (and talk and talk and talk) about our feelings. On the opposite end of the spectrum, internal processors need solitude and silence to work through a loss. And of course, a great many people fall in the vast middle between. Different expressions of grief and different expectations for each other after a loss can cause conflict in the family during what is already an extremely difficult time.

All that being said, none of this has to be avoided or even just endured. Families can shore each other up after a loss and gain new understanding and appreciation for each other. This can be a time to say out loud, “I am having a hard time” without fear of ruining someone else’s day. The fact of the matter is, when someone dies, the people left behind are sad. It doesn’t have to be a secret. In fact, bringing your grief to the other people who love you can increase intimacy and belonging. Understanding that you may be dealing with this loss in different ways—and accepting that no one is right or wrong—can strengthen your family bond. Take this moment to trust yourself (and the people you love) enough to grieve together instead of alone.