You can say (almost) anything to your therapist

This week, in my series about what to expect from therapy, I want to dive into what may be off limits to talk about with your therapist. The short answer is, pretty much nothing!

There are exceptions to this of course: if your therapist thinks you’re going to hurt yourself or someone else, or that you already have harmed someone, they’re obligated to do something with that information. But otherwise, you get to say whatever you want. You don’t have to be on your best behavior when you’re talking to your therapist. Therapy is a relationship but it’s not a friendship or a conversation at a cocktail party; you don’t have to come armed with your best stories or convince anyone of how delightful you are. In fact, once some trust is established, you can be on your worst behavior if you so choose. In therapy, you get to explore the darkest and meanest parts of yourself. It’s safe there.

Still, it feels risky to open up to someone, even a professional. On the one hand, you’re seeking out therapy because you need to talk to someone and presumably, you’re ready to do just that: talk. On the other hand, there may be a fear that you’ll say something so dark, your therapist just won’t like you anymore. Generally, we want people to like us; we’re only human. So it can be difficult to drop the social niceties we’re practiced at performing. For instance, hearing “how are you?” from your therapist is different than hearing the same question from a co-worker. And yet, for many of us, the automatic answer is the one that comes out: “Fine, thanks, how are you?”

This isn’t to say you can’t be nice to your therapist. Believe me, we’re happy to be asked how we are, even if we won’t tell you the actual answer. I’m only saying that in that therapy session, you are released from surface-level social stuff. You can talk about whatever you want.

Which brings me to another caveat: you can also NOT talk about whatever you want. You don’t have to recount every dark thought that has ever entered your mind. You don’t have to review every embarrassing moment or delve into something that feels too tricky to explore. In that session, you get to decide where to begin and where to stop. When your therapist asks how you’re doing, you can tell the truth. And if the conversation starts to go somewhere you aren’t ready to go, you can say no. You don’t have to worry; you can say (almost) anything to your therapist.